Happier
by jessicapshaws
Summary: Arizona writes a letter to someone, just to get her feeling out there. Inspired by Happier by Ed Sheeran.


Dear Calliope,

I am writing to you for many reasons, and maybe I won't even send you this letter. One of them is because I need to close this. I can not love you more than a friend and the mother of my child. I need this to stop hurting. I know you have moved on a long time ago, but I am only stopping being in love with you right now. I knew I lost you long before Penny, and I could never accepted that, but she was great, and you deserve great. You deserve perfect, you deserve the world, you are your own woman and anyone on earth should be happy just to get to be in the same room as you. You are kind, you are lovely, you are smart, you have the most beautiful soul, you have this smile that lights up the room, and you can also see the light when people can't. I loved all that things about you, and I choose to keep this image of you. I prefer to have in my mind the happy times, not when we were tearing each other apart. I also chose you to be the mother of my first child, and I am so thankful we had her. Holding her for the first time was the best thing on the planet. I was so scared that I could lose you both that time. I never told you, but the first day you two could go home and you fell asleep I went to the bathroom and cried so hard just the thought to have lost you. I could not live in a world without you and our little Sofia. And we were a good thing. I apologize for the way I behaved, when I hurt you. I am deeply sorry for all of that. I am very ashamed of the things I did. But I want you to know I tried my hardest, it just wasn't enough. I was never trying to hurt you. I was hurting so much and I could not find a healthy way to come back to being me. I never came back. I know understand, I had to get through that and come back another person. I know understand I could never be the Arizona I was before, because I had to learn, I had to learn to love myself again, to adapt, to find a way to be happy with myself. I understand that now. I am there now. I survived, and now I can live again. Thank you for trying with me. Thank you for being there. It was important for me that you helped on that journey, I needed you back there. I wrote this letter because I had to have on paper my feelings. I think this will help me. You have Penny now and that is okay, is good for you that you have someone. I hated that. I hated that you could move on, because I couldn't. I could have sex with women, that never was the problem. I just could never let them be my girl. Because in my mind you were my girl. And you have nothing to do with that, I needed to figure that out. I want you to be happy, you are happier now. You were happy with Penny. And I went home after meeting her, and I cried, and I spend all night thinking about how I wished it was me holding your hand, kissing you, getting to go home with you. I drank myself to sleep that night. And I have done that some other nights too. I was hurting, I was hurting because I knew I had fucked it up. I was hurting because I lost you and nothing I could do about it without hurting you more. So I tried to figure that on my own. I needed to be better, so if we ever could be something again I had to be whole again. So I got better. I did that for you too, even if we were not a we anymore. You were fundamental for me to heal. I never thanked you for that. Thank you. Now I am writing this to get this things out there out loud in the world, so I could feel better. Sorry for being this selfish. But as I said before, you maybe not ever read this. I just needed one more closure. Today Eliza is going to pick me up for dinner. So I am writing this before she arrives, because I just realized that I love her. And I finally moved on. Today is the day I can leave all our hurt in the past and be happy with someone else. I am my own sun now, and that allowed me to fall in love again. And even if you were not physically in this process, you helped me all the way. You always will have a friend in me. I will tell Eliza I love her, and I want to be with her. No matter what people say. This is huge. I really do love her. This is like coming out all over again. You know she is good with Sofia, you have met her while we went to visit in New York. But she is good to me too. She loves to cook for me, and some days she brings me healthy lunch at the hospital, it is her way of showing she cares. She prepare me baths when I have a bad day. She knows my favorite cupcake flavor. She brings me yellow roses. She always leave notes on my office, my home or sometimes she slip some on my purse, so I have little reminders of her. She also signs in Polish in the shower. She is my new beginning. She lets me be me. And we have something good here Calliope. I needed to let it go, I needed to be me, and you needed to be you. So now we are good. We are happy. We have a perfect healthy little girl. And we can be friends without being hurt by each other. So now I began this letter crying and end up smiling. I needed this. Thank you again. You will always be the first woman I truly loved. I loved until it hurt. And now I know what I want because I know what loves feel, thanks to you I know how to love someone. I hope you also remember me, only the good things.

Always and forever,

Arizona like the battleship.

 **Let me know how much you hate me hahaha**


End file.
